Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Stay-at-home bomb...

For the last week I have been at my sister's house, reveling in her world and sniffing her new baby's head far too often. It was wonderful, as times with her adorable family always are. I'll write more about it...tomorrow.

But for all intents and purposes, today felt like the first day of summer break. And it was hard.

Confessional time:

All school year, I look forward to the summer. I hope and wish and pray and pin everything on the 2 months that I get to be a stay-at-home mom. It's the time of year I get to live the life I want most to be living. I get to be the "me" I picture myself to be.

But when it rolls around? Turns out that sometimes I'm not so good at it. I lose my patience, don't get enough done, or run out of time or energy to get on the floor and play. The chores multiply along with the messes, and all the projects I hope to do evaporate for lack of planning or motivation.

Today I felt like a failure. I told myself that I was going to get our luggage put away, and do some art with the boys. I got 1 suitcase put away. No art. Instead there was a trip to the vet, a load of laundry, and I did clean out the fridge before groceries were delivered - but no play. We went to the backyard, and instead of throwing the ball around, I became overwhelmed by the jungle of weeds that appeared in the last two weeks. And then I started to cry.

Because if there's anything I want to be good at, this is IT. No other job I will ever do will matter as much. And today I wasn't good. Not even mediocre. I was plain bad at it.

But...

Tomorrow I will be better. I'm going to sit down with a new art book, pick a project, and get out the materials tonight. I am going to choose 2 chores that MUST be done, and everything else will wait for another day (I'm thinking the linen closet reorganization and the run to the store for curtains for the boys' room and another organizer for the dress-up clothes). And I will read (for myself) for at least 30 minutes.

Most of all, I will give myself a hug. After all, it's only my second day on the job, and there's bound to be a learning curve.

10 comments:

The Cohen's said...

You totally and completely just described how I'm feeling the past two weeks. Like I'm failing at my new job because I get too wrapped up in what I feel should get done rather than just play and enjoy my sweet babies. I'm going to strive to work harder on PLAYING rather than working all day.
And... for the record, I am sure your boys are STOKED to have you home and you're doing great at your job. ;)

Caroline said...

Huge hug to you! Rest assured you are a fabulous momma ALWAYS. I think there was just something in the air today as nothing that was supposed to get done on my end happened either. Tomorrow will be better :) xo

Lauren said...

Aw hon! There's always hard days (weeks?). I have not been satisfied with my level of chaos about the whole thing lately either. But with the help of a book, I've been working on it, developing not a schedule per se, but routines that work for me. Points in the day where there is a lull with the kids, and I pick a chore to get done, kind of like you. I have a ways to go with it, but I am finding that the more it is planned out, the less anxiety I feel about the whole thing. Having everything planned isn't ALWAYS good, of course, but with this, it is definitely helping my peace of mind about it. My goals lately are to be more productive with my free time, as well as be more available to my kids when they are around. Anyway...basically the point of this is to say that heck, I do this stay-at-home thing ALL the time and I still feel like I suck at it, so definitely not alone there. Hope we get to meet up soon! Maybe next week?

Anna said...

Oh sweetie! Hugs to you. Chalk it up to a BAD DAY.

I am sure there are days when you are not the best teacher you can be. I know there are days when I am not the best at my job. But there are days when I rock it as I am sure there are days you rock BOTH your jobs at once.

Give yourself a break, literally. Hit the ground crawling and not running. You are also tired from the vacation, the school year, etc.

Love your plans for today. Hope that they get done and if they don't, hope that's because you found some awesome other ways to spend your time.

PS Trip to the vet--I think that is like heaven for little boys. :)

Erin said...

I love you. You are the best mom, (along with ours), that I know. I can't wait to see and hear about all of the great things you do this summer!

I miss you already.

Melanie said...

You have just described my worst fears. . . in THEORY, being a SAHM is awesome. IDEAL compared to working. In practice. . . a LOT tougher to do "well" than it looks.

But I have a feeling, given a week, you'll have it all under control.

Dawn said...

I feel this same way. This post described me to a T. This week, I've spent most of the week cleaning and finishing the bathroom. Eva has played by herself and watched way too much Dora for my liking. There is so much I want to do, all the projects around the house I've put off all year AND all the fun things with Eva. There's just not enough time in the day to get it all in. Good Luck with the rest of the summer. We will get it all figured out, just in time to go back to work :(

Marilee said...

Because you have such huge expectations for yourself, you will never be able to do it all. Life is a juggling act and you never have all of the balls, (wife, mom, keeper of the hearth, teacher, gardener, creator of beauty, etc) in the air at the same time. Give yourself permission to drop some of the balls each day. I'm speaking from a lifetime of experience as you know, so CALL YOUR MOM AND ASK FOR HELP!!!

Stefanie said...

Seems like everyone here is echoing what you've posted here, Megan...and I too can join that party. SOmetimes it is too easy to think about all the mundane things that should get done (I don't say need on purpose) because we feel like, as a SAHM, we need to have the house cleaned, the laundry washed, the yard perfect, our hair shampooed and blowdryed, the perfect outfit..AND have time to teach the kids, stimulate them, spend time with them, and on top of that all, NOT GET FRUSTRATED! HA!! Show me one person that does ALL THAT IN A SINGLE DAY!!!

I think we simply set our expectations too high. I know my circumstances are a little different with a newborn around, but after the first few weeks, I set myself ONE GOAL for the day, and if I got more done...Great. But it's simply NOT worth stressing about.

You are an awesome momma. One I look up to SO MUCH. I appreciate that you are so candid and straightforward with your feelings of success and failure. I think any SAHM that thinks she has everything under control is only trying to fool everyone...including herself. Either that or she is wonder woman...and I'd like some of whatever she's taking....

mandy draper said...

oh Megan, you are way too hard on yourself. Not easy to say for us virgos. You are a great mama, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and cousin!!!

p.s. Jason says if you try, you don't fail!