But for all intents and purposes, today felt like the first day of summer break. And it was hard.
All school year, I look forward to the summer. I hope and wish and pray and pin everything on the 2 months that I get to be a stay-at-home mom. It's the time of year I get to live the life I want most to be living. I get to be the "me" I picture myself to be.
But when it rolls around? Turns out that sometimes I'm not so good at it. I lose my patience, don't get enough done, or run out of time or energy to get on the floor and play. The chores multiply along with the messes, and all the projects I hope to do evaporate for lack of planning or motivation.
Today I felt like a failure. I told myself that I was going to get our luggage put away, and do some art with the boys. I got 1 suitcase put away. No art. Instead there was a trip to the vet, a load of laundry, and I did clean out the fridge before groceries were delivered - but no play. We went to the backyard, and instead of throwing the ball around, I became overwhelmed by the jungle of weeds that appeared in the last two weeks. And then I started to cry.
Because if there's anything I want to be good at, this is IT. No other job I will ever do will matter as much. And today I wasn't good. Not even mediocre. I was plain bad at it.
Tomorrow I will be better. I'm going to sit down with a new art book, pick a project, and get out the materials tonight. I am going to choose 2 chores that MUST be done, and everything else will wait for another day (I'm thinking the linen closet reorganization and the run to the store for curtains for the boys' room and another organizer for the dress-up clothes). And I will read (for myself) for at least 30 minutes.
Most of all, I will give myself a hug. After all, it's only my second day on the job, and there's bound to be a learning curve.