With the beginning of the school year here, we are in the midst of lots of "big days" - those days when we're all doing something big and new and important. And sometimes hard.
Today Max had his "new student orientation" at his preschool. We went into his classroom with him while he met his teachers, stayed for a minute while he saw a few things, and then left him there while we went to wait in the hallway. Now, let me tell you - he was doing well. He was asking the questions that he had, checking out all the neat materials, listening to instructions. He was doing great.
Me? I was a mess.
I'm just starting to see what a constant tug-of-war this parenting thing is. I want to raise independent, confident children. But right now I want them to still want me. I want them to feel comfortable in their environments away from me. But I still want the tight hug that tells me it would be better if I stayed. I want him to feel good in his ability to take care of himself. But I still want to be needed.
So while I hope that he grows up, I still want my baby.
And then there's tomorrow. Luke begins his new daycare in the morning. After only doing in-home childcare prior to this, this will be our first center experience. Having worked in a daycare, I know that they can be wonderful places. And I really feel good about the place that we have chosen. But I thought that about a couple other care arrangements I had found - and they didn't turn out to be positive experiences. (Thank God for Lauren!!!) So tomorrow we begin this new adventure for him - and I pray that they enjoy him and that he doesn't get lost in the crowd. Because he's my baby, and he's still so little.
With all of this comes the guilt. The tears that well up in Max's eyes when he realized tonight that he won't see his brother all day - five days a week. The fact that after dinner and getting ready for the next day, we're left with just a couple hours a day to spend together. Something about it just feels so wrong. And I know that I'm spoiled for getting summers and vacations to spend with my children, but in my gut, there's just something very unnatural about being away from your children so much. It hurts.
It will get better. After tomorrow, we've got two big days left - my first day of teaching, followed by Max's first day of school. Then it's all just settling in. We'll find our way to our new normal. But in the meantime....
8 comments:
You just made me tear up. I know exactly how you feel... EXACATLY. Well, minus the two boys playing together, because I only have one daughter... but still. That feeling of guilt/wrongness is so hard. I'm sorry. Thanks so much for sharing. It's nice to see my feelings put into words for me!
Me too! All teary-eyed here at work.
I think this must be the downside of having the summer off as a teacher, you are constantly adjusting to a new normal.
Hugs!
You are such a wonderful momma to Max and Luke...I know it must be hard. I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks as you all go through this transition. love you all!!! xoxoxo
I've been thinking of you constantly and hoping that the week goes well. Call me when you can.
I love you.
Even though I'm not the Momma, I, too, hurt when I think of the boys not being with you and all of you safe together. I thought I was through with all of this when you and Erin were grown. Believe me when I say that even when the boys are grown and gone, you will still want them to need you and want to be with you. I guess this is all the "bitter" that goes with the "sweet". When all is said and done, I know that they will be fine because you and Dan have prepared them to be strong and resilient and have chosen carefully.
oh megan i have been dreading this transition for you. crazy to think some cultures do boarding school(!)you are an awesome mama. you are in my thoughts at this time for sure. and as i have said i would love to help you however i can during the school year. i wish i could take luke a few days a week if it were not for o's preschool pick-up situation. sigh. your boys are so well nurtured i think they will do great with this situation. but you know that already.
I know exactly how you feel too -- and I think it must be harder for teachers -- who get that extra time together and then have to go back to work. It still isn't easy for me, and I have to do it every day....
but your point about raising independent children but still NEEDING them to NEED you totally hit home too!!
I know I'm late here... and maybe you're feeling a bit more centered... But I want to tell you how I ACHED when I read this... Ached to come teach for you part-time so you and could split the time away... Because I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I have you in my heart and prayers, more often than you think.
wish we lived closer.
Post a Comment